February 5, 2013
TWENTY THINGS SAVED IN MY DRAFT FOLDER

LET’S SHARE.

1. 2008: “What are you doing this weekend?” the boyf asked… I rattled off some useless plans which included “blacking the fuck out” and “breaking it down @ the IMC after party”
“i think i’m going to come down this weekend” 
(he just left… four days ago… he just left. he left me with a killer bladder infection, my period, and a messy room… he left his button down shirts and suits in my closet. he just left me)
i always need time to get used to him not being around. I have to get used to it because he isn’t always around.also i’m used to my silence.


2. 2010: The first Sister wife is my favorite because she is totally completely unhappy.  She feels disconnected, she is searching for a connection with the man she married 20 years ago and she can’t find it. Her celebration of her 20th year of marriage is overshadowed by a new wife (the fourth/ the trophy) and a new baby (from the third wife)
I Don’t blame her for having EMOTIONS she can feel jealous of this new hotter women and still cheer on this new relationship. She brought the fourth into the relationship. COMPLEX HUMAN EMOTIONS KODY. Not everything is “cool” or “awesome” sometimes shit “fucking sucks” and there is “jealously”. It’s all about Kody or it’s all about the Kids but it never seems to be about the women as wives, just as mothers


3. 2011: today while laying with my knees bent, looking at the vents in the ceiling of a fully carpeted and empty office suite I was able to understand that although this is not what I exactly wanted, this is exactly what I needed. I understand this because while this voice that wasn’t exactly my own but it was my own. it just sounded more assured than I sounded in months, it sounded more confident than I’ve felt in months, it sounded happier and more steady than I’ve felt in months. things are crazy, things will be crazy cause bitches be crazy. but I said it before and I will say it again. this will not kill me.

4. 2012: Friday i was told that two years ago people (old employees) thought i was a ingenious slut. and i was mad about that. then some time during the hours of 2am and 4am on Saturday morning i realized fuck those people. so yes i am having a party. I’m having a party, i’m watching Mad Men and I’m celebrating the end of those bleak feelings and those people and their small minded opinions of me actually mattering in my life.


5. 2013: according to OKC i’m an asshole who is probably going to die alone because my best matches are fucktards that have profile pictures holding up assault rifles.


6. 2012:2011  a taste : barefoot on a hill i screamed “again! again! again!” at a stranger who literally had just crossed by path (blanket). His lips were the softest lips I had ever touched. And when were done with our very innocent makeout he kept on walking down the hill and i returned to my group of friends. it happened because I simply asked “can i kiss you?” without worrying that he would say no.

7. It feels like you’re tearing me down to a pretty face because beauty is the lesser of all evils. Keep them insecure.

8. congrats! you are no longer in the break up “gonna die alone woods” you have safety moved to ” holy fuck i’m a hot piece of ass and all of your dicks belong to me” it’s a good thing.

9. i’m not going to deny an invitation to the bone zone, but i’m not going to actively seek it either. basically if you try i’m fucking game and i’m fucking game

10. I have brunch plans with a person I barely know tomorrow. I was only looking for bbq plans but instead we made lunch brunch plans and here we are.

11. you will decided to save your own life millions and millions of times before you’re 25.

12. i know sometimes this isn’t perfect, and you’re not my happily ever after but the last year with you has been a mixed blessing because in some ways you have saved me from myself. this winter has been on of the happiest times in my life.
ON THE FLIP SIDE
when i made that bet with the guy in the bar over the obey hat and he said “i want to wear your ass as a hat” i didn’t know. it was filled with such wanton lust. such heavy lidded desire that all i wanted to do was let him “wear my ass as a hat” and ride that stupid smug look off of his face.
his stupid face has been haunting my sex nightmares.

13. I don’t make things a treat, I don’t stop while I’m ahead and I can’t quit drinking - searching for that one last perfect blackout and I’ve become a nasty drunk

14. i crawled up and straddled you, placed my lips on to the pulse on your neck and you refused me.

15. when i woke up my face was completely wet. After looking in the mirror i realized that I had mascara stains running down my face that would rival tammy, and, I had been crying in my sleep.

16. that is what bothered me so much. I’ve never open, or vulnerable, or really honest except here and closing me off to “the internet” through shame just closed me off to you in ways that i don’t believe that you’ll ever understand.

17. “don’t worry I had this magical night planned for you. If you have to go home you have to go home”

“if you have to go home, you HAVE to go home”

“if you HAVE to go home, you have to go home”
I don’t HAVE to go go home, I want to go home. Magical evening (that you told me we were going to upscale bar in Wicker and then ended up in 4 am bar in Logan
I was annoyed I just wanted to go home.
so i did.

18. y’know what’s weird about getting dressed sober?
It feels like fucking prom night, started getting ready at 8:30 AND SHAVED. then made some girl power pop playlist
THEN I did my hair and make up LIKE I ADJUSTED MY EYELINER INSTEAD OF PUTTING A THICKER LINE ON
AND CURLED MY HAIR, IN SECTIONS
AND I’M PAINTING MY FUCKING TOENAILS NOW
AND WHITING MY TEETH.
sobriety is weird.

19. SHIT I DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH FOR MONTHS.
We can go dutch on the birth control, 
I’ll let you choose the brand of condom. But when that sucker slips off INSIDE OF ME and i have to go SURPLUNKING in my fucking vagina to find it then YA BURNT.
YOU NO LONGER ARE ALLOWED TO BUY.

20. (on Craigslist) you’re looking for a girl to give you a handy weekly?
i can’t even be bothered to give a handy to completion once every 4 years.

  1. luxuriousvulgarity posted this